<bPrior to the start of December, I had a couple of feel good plans for the holiday. My to do list could fill both sides of an A4 paper with both realistic and idealistic plots. I don’t understand how I found myself on the periphery of the December festivities. The enemies of progress must have colluded to make sure that my holiday was spent in the bundus with a burial and a botched trip to Naivasha being the main happenings. There was a ka jameson saga that am taking to the grave unless a girl called Wangeci decides to honour the adage that there is no secret between two people. The main dilemma however were the innuendoes about my private life being floated by some relatives and some friends. English is not a measure of intelligence neither is being married nor bearing children early…eeh that’s where am going. Wee Mr, utaoa lini man? This question has been repeated more times to me this Christmas than the common merry Christmas. It got to a point where I was irked and resulted to answering by way of retorts that neutralize the vile mood it gets me in. I have learned the phrase go drying in as many languages as my head can remember. For example, if it’s an elderly person asking, I answer in French. As for those the age of my mother, a loud laughter is followed by-do you have a daughter? Who gave an oversight role to relatives on issues marriage and who benchmarked 25 as the age against which everybody should start thinking children or marriage? Do these self-proclaimed marital cum child bearing age pundits realize that technology advancement has left the biological clock without batteries since it’s the clock ticking statement that is the dynamo of their emotional assault. The successful Janet Jackson is a mother at 50.
A local actress (friend zoned by default) is always complaining “Aki msee ona vle mabeshte wangu wote wameolewa na wengine wana watoto”. The problem is, no matter how laid back our conversation is, anything babies or marriage elicits a tinge of desperation in her voice. The societal pressure can only be compared to that young professionals undergo to portray an image of instant success when they come back to the village on holiday. A ‘four wheeled means of mobility’, being a symbol of financial superiority, is in their checklist and since they cannot afford one yet, car hire nayo nayo. Others idolize owning one at the cost of their other life goals or at extremes, their basic needs. Am tempted to compare the clamour to be gifted with a woman of the house this December to that of a vehicle above. The Kanyari part of my mind has an idea for the entrepreneurial Kenyans to start a wife/husband/watoto hiring agency. Ukienda gicagi hakuna mtu atajua ni ka bibi ka hire. Make sure you remember the agency and the ‘hireee’ in person, for next time purposes. There are loads of idle and destitute Kenyans being conned in those ‘find a sugar daddy/mummy’ websites or pages on social media, hence the pool of people willing to make a quick buck is overflowing with availability.
Marriage is a prison that you are privileged to architect and choose the security force manning it i.e. wife. Whether you choose to reside in la cathedral (watch Narcos) or in Shimo la Tewa swirls down to personal choice. Castigate my prison theory if you may but at the end, if indeed you decide to settle down, utakuwa umefunga pingu za maisha. The bible was written a long time ago so don’t fully rely on the verse that ‘he who finds a wife, finds a good thing’. There were no Vera Sidikas then, the Nyeri woman was a never heard of, the closest a woman came to clobbering her husband was Delilah cutting off Samsons’ hair. Heck, women are not waiting to be found, many are doing the finding. Paradoxically in the current society, there are so many weddings-the good thing, with an even higher rate of divorces. Owe unto you if you are the one marrying msichana wa Nairobi. Those from Nyandarua who develop a Nairobi fever at the sight of the dual lane. The kind that judge character depending on the type of car one drives………
Sasa kasarika and finally decide to find yourself the good thing. Upgrade your profiles on all avenues to attract potentials, go on as many dates as the dead roses on 15th Feb, give your wardrobe the opportunity of hosting a tuxedo and all other things your mind can think of. Come a family event, introduce the product that only your shoes and pocket can talk about the struggle finding. “Gobbo, uyu mundu wareta nioee gikuyu?ririkana twaririe atia,”my mum. “Huyu ametoboa hata ulimi anawezaga kuongea kweli?” the responsible cousin. “Nioee kuruga?” Cucu. “Kaba karia kangi wokite nako ngatho,” sister. “Wee, ndurona nigecoru njara, ndukuingirio kwa ngoma baba witu,” auntie. “Aiii, mwendaga atia andu aya,mutikimwethere uria murenda,” my ever drunk uncle.
{Gobbo, this person you brought, does she know kikuyu? Remember what we talked about.
This person who has pierced even her tongue, is she able to talk.
Does she know how to cook. It is better the one that you came with during thanksgiving.
Wee, don’t you see she has drawn her hand(tattooed), you will be entered into devils, our father.
Aiii, what do you want you people, find him the one you want.}
Brother, don’t delude yourself that the main thing that your folks are interested in your woman is her behavior. The whole story of beauty being in the eyes of the beholder is a trap. Behavior comes at a distant third with social class second.
The pressure is more on women than on men. I am not able to write anything on what they are meant to go through since only one of their own can. However, I have a belief that some value the art of being a mother hence decide to concentrate on building a career prior to being one. They pursue their quest to raise their children in reference to their preferred standards in all fronts. Instead of concentrating on the age that ladies ought to give birth, the focus should be on the quality of life and parental engagement that the yet to be born child receives. Nyinyi wa kukimbilia mimba/kuolewa kama matatu kukinyesha ndo mnajipata na mtoto kindergarten, 8-5 job, evening classes na bwana anakunywa legend kama yoghurt.
Marriage is sanctified in the Bible hence something worth experiencing. It reverberates into multiplying and filling the earth but not entirely. Marriage is also a social phenomenon which is notoriously unpredictable and life in general is, but do you ram into an oncoming vehicle and call it an accident? That is why a person need not be pressured into it. Try watching the proposal by Sandra Bullocks and get a hint of how you cannot plan or attach specifics to marriage. Since turning 18, you can make your own mistakes, some perceived and some real but do not yield into pressure. Mtoto anakuja saa ni yake, mtoto hakuji na sahani yake. Tafuta sahani kwanza.
Dear no one- tori kelly
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chronicles of gobbo 